I seriously feel fucked up right now. No amount of nicotine or coffee can give me that few minutes of euphoria that I am so craving for. Before, coffee and ciggies were the way to go. But now, it seems as if I've grown to be immune to the said substances. :( This is really sad. Never in my life have I been at an all time low. I feel more sluggish than ever and it seems like all the food that I've been trying to scarf down has nowhere else to go but out of my mouth. I've lost all energy to concentrate on what I've been studying on and I have also been too unattentive in my classes. I feel as if I've got no one to talk to, probably because I don't have the desire to talk to anyone around me at all. And it seems like my friends are never there when I need them most. Or worse, the people who I consider as my "friends" aren't what I thought they were. People I spend most of my time with are seemingly more pretentious and self-absorbed than I thought they were. UGGH.

I need something to let me go through the time that I have. Something lke happiness in a pill; Xanax, Prozac...anything! And most of all, I need someone to be there with me even for the very few minutes of my low moments. Just one person who's willing to talk and listen to what I have to say. :( I need ♥. Or someone to just tell it straight to my face that I need to do something about my life. I can't live llike this forever. But I don't know why I'm not doing anything to stop it from taking over me.

Pretty fucked up last entry, yes? It's not real FYI. I guess I've been reading way too much Sylvia Plath thats all. GODDAMN SCHOOL HAS BEEN DRIVING ME NUTS THOUGH. WILL POST LATER. :( boo hoo

I ask of you dear madam to give me but one meager minute of your ostentatious life. I have surreptitiously encountered time immemorial, a cluster of gnawing little termites living underneath my skin. I fear not the insect itself, but its effects. For months now I have been experiencing little jolts of pain on where the insect is gnawing on. I have taken copious amounts of painkillers, but it seems that little can be done by the medicine. I have therefore concluded that this little termite will be up to no further good and have resolved myself irresolutely to ebbing away. I have but a few months left. It is starting to hurt again, my side. And I feel as if these termites multiply everyday and a handful have even gone so far as into my stomach innards. Oh woe! Such pain I have to endure. Generous amounts of my flesh have turned into liquid form now and they keep on dripping off every now so often. It smells, madam. Sometimes I find little termite larvae swimming in my liquidated flesh. They squirm and squirm until there is but nothing left of them. And I see myself like those larvae. I squirm and writhe from all the pain and yet in the end I know that nothing is to be left of me from all that squirming. Sooner or later I will be like that larvae embedded in my flesh, having lost my breath from all the suffering. It smells bad dear madam, it really does. But I must tolerate everything. There it goes again. My flesh is slowly falling off from my body bit by bit. I no longer walk the halls with such vigor as before. In fact I wish not to walk anymore. It is just too much for me right now. Oh madam how I wish you could hear me right now.

Sometimes what annoys me even more is the fact that I know you are nothing but an insecure little self-absorbed twat who revels in destroying what other people have worked so hard on just so you could feel good about your little insignificant life. I don't know why you do it, but I was always keen on tolerating it. You were, after all, my friend.

But now I've realized that one can only stand so much hypocrisy. Even I can't help but feel that maybe you are also out to get me. I don't know what you see in all this chaos, but one thing is for sure, I will no longer be part of it. I've had enough. Call me a coward, but at least I know I don't do things just to spite people. I WON'T LOSE MY FRIENDS AND MY STATUS JUST BECAUSE OF YOU. It's not fucking worth it. YOU aren't fucking worth it. And I have my own life.

The only way of doing this is if I let go. And honestly enough, I already have.

It seems God and Mother Nature has something against me today. Not only was I stuck in traffic for almost an hour, but I was also caught in the rain and I managed to miss both of my classes for the morning. So yes to whoever runs this whole orderly cosmos or whathaveyou: A BIG CHEERS TO YOU FOR OFFICIALLY RUINING MY DAY.